Common Reactions
To reflecting on chronic coercion
Use this guide and the exercise below to understand your reactions and begin a new way of relating to yourself
When we start to look at the coercion we experienced we can have a number of normal reactions. Sometimes all at once. While part of us might feel validated — like things finally make more sense. We can get some relief from that struggle of trying to figure out what’s wrong with us. We can start to see that the stories our parents told about us were more based on them and their triggers than on us.
And even as we feel that validation, heavy feelings might start to come up. It can feel complicated, and we might not be sure what side of ourselves to believe. We start to question ourselves… Was it them or me? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Other people experience much worse.
Understanding our reactions can help us pause on falling back on the blaming/shaming patterns associated with chronic coercion.
Some common reactions include…
Denial — That didn’t happen to me (although we may remember instances of this happening to siblings)
Minimizing — That happened, but it wasn’t that bad. I’m over it now, and it doesn’t affect me anymore.
Justifying/Protecting — My parents needed to do that, I was out of control, they didn’t have any choice. Something wrong with me made them need to do that.
Questioning/Confusion — I’m not sure if that was okay or if it was wrong. Maybe it has had an impact on me. How can I know?
Grieving — Why did that have to happen to me?
Anger — That was really messed up, and they shouldn't have done that to me. What’s wrong with them?
When I first start working with people, denial and minimizing are the most common reactions. For example…
One mom I worked with started our first session saying, “I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my childhood because everyone always says that’s important, but I didn’t have any trauma, nothing bad really happened to me.”
She was struggling with her confidence. She was constantly questioning herself and often felt insecure, especially when it came to speaking her needs.
We started with understanding her experience — what was it like when she needed something but didn’t want to speak up. Behind her hesitation was a worry that she would upset people and they would reject her. She avoided this concern by taking everything on herself and minimize any needs of her own. She realized that this was a strategy she learned early on when her parents dismissed “complaints” and would put things back on her, “well, if you would’ve done what you were told, this wouldn’t have happened.” Or “you should be able to handle this.” Her needs had been met with a
In other words, they would abandon her emotionally and try to coerce her out of what she was feeling (whether that was overwhelm or disappointment or anger). Although she wasn’t talking about capital T Trauma, she realized how much those experiences shaped her ability to advocate for herself. Knowing this helped make sense of the pattern of abandoning her own needs.
Once we knew what was at the heart of the issue, she started by validating herself and her feelings, which made it easier to have requests.
All of this was possible because we started working with the denial and minimizing. Of course those were her default reactions because that was how her parents related to her. Instead of pushing those reactions aside, we explored where she learned those reactions and how they helped her to maintain a positive relationship with her caregivers (a very important thing for a child to do!)
No matter what your reactions are, they serve an important purpose in our healing journey.
These reactions point to a part of us that we had to reject. We might process each of these feelings, and then when another memory comes up, we might need to move through them again. We might have a tendency to land in one feeling and find other reactions much harder to access. All of these reactions are steps along the path of reconnecting to ourselves, processing, and healing from coercion.
10 minute exercise
The impact of chronic coercion is that we were invalidated. Noticing your responses actually works against that pattern. No matter what your reactions are, make space for them (even if one reaction is “part of me just doesn’t want to think about this”).
Write down any reactions you’re noticing. It is common to feel multiple things. You can use the list above. Also include any other feelings that come up (e.g. relief, validation, discomfort, hope…)
What needs acknowledgement? Maybe that’s validation that things were hard when you were young. Or that it was unfair for you to experience those things. Or that it was really important for you to preserve your relationship with your parents. Whatever it is, see if you can offer that acknowledgment to yourself.
Based on your reflections, how might you relate to yourself differently today? Maybe that is giving yourself a little more room to feel whatever you’re feeling. Or doing something fun. Or sitting quietly, resting. Or saying no to something.