“Our deepest epiphanies start with raw feelings we don’t yet understand.”
— Tig Notaro
Why I practice reparenting
My parenting journey started a decade before I had my first child. I started learning about how our body stores our childhood experiences and how that shows up later as emotional disregulation, physical symptoms and even health issues. I also learned that there were therapeutic techniques that help adults process those experiences and become more skillful in navigating their daily lives. I knew that this is what I needed to do if I wanted to be the compassionate, clear, confident parent I wanted to be.
At the time, I was dealing with anxiety and mild depression (even though that’s not what I would’ve called it then). I knew that I was overworked, and had a really hard time setting boundaries. Even though I felt I could tolerate stress myself, I didn’t want any future children to feel like I couldn’t stand up for them, or to feel like I wasn’t available because I was busy taking care of other people.
I also saw a sharp, critical, even hurtful side of myself that came out around those I was closest to. I would keep this side at bay as long as possible, but it would always find a way out. I would be left feeling guilty and unsure what to do about it.
Once I actively started my healing journey and I first learned how to work with my emotions, I was shook. The insights were so profound. The spaciousness and freedom that came with those insights was so bright. Why had I not been taught this sooner? How is it that I’d become an adult without the slightest inkling of how to navigate my own internal world?
After years of trying to will myself to do things differently, I could start setting boundaries, end relationships that weren’t right for me anymore, and genuinely expressing myself. I also became incredibly passionate about adult development. I saw how powerful it is to develop at any age. How much growth and development can happen long long after we’ve left formal schooling. And how it benefits everyone around us. I became frustrated that we really only talk about child development, when adults are just as beautiful and full of potential. I dove in learning as much as I could about adult development and setting up my coaching practice.
I’m still on my healing journey. I’m on it now because I’m excited about growing and learning and getting to know myself for the rest of my life. I still get triggered, and still have times where I feel anxious and overextended. But what’s different now is that it doesn’t feel out of control. I’ve learned that in those moments I can recenter myself and address the root of the issue. I know there’s wisdom in my emotions I can learn from.
I see so clearly how my son benefits from this work, how much space there is in our family for his emotions. We learn and practice expressing them in safe ways together. My reparenting and my parenting unfold reciprocally. I would love to share this experience with you.
Approaching coaching
with compassion
Often when we face difficult topics, we reflect on our perceived deficiencies. At some point we learned that we don’t have what it takes. As we start to feel the excitement of bigger possibilities, parts of us start to tell us what’s missing. We don’t know enough, we’re not kind enough, we’re not disciplined enough… we just don’t have it, whatever it is. We start to take on ourselves as a grand project to be fixed. In an attempt muscle ourselves into shape, we reinforce our sense of shame when the grand project doesn’t work, “I knew something was wrong with me and this proves it once again.”
Instead of looking for deficiencies, I ask, “what if nothing is missing? What if you are already whole?” What if, like a seed, we already have everything inside us that we need to grow and just need the right conditions?
My experience as a parent has brought this perspective into clearer focus for me. My son came into this world full of innate capacity — he breathed, nursed, slept, and beheld the world all for the first time ever on his own with his own internal guidance. As he continued to grow, I was amazed to watch how he learned to move, crawl and walk. All I needed to do was set up the right environment. Sometimes this meant letting him struggle and feel the hot frustration of not being able to get where he wanted to go. Sometimes this meant keeping loving attention on him, so when we wobbled he could look to me and see support and trust, reflecting back his safety and capacity. Sometimes this meant providing comfort for him to relax into after his hard work, a place to integrate everything he was learning.
My goal as a coach is to offer you a similar environment. To support you in navigating the choppy waters of your parenting challenges. To reflect back the capacity you already carry and reinforce your trust in yourself. Connecting to this inner-knowing and self-trust allows you to bring grace and clarity into your relationship with your child. I have seen in myself and my clients how unexpected and transformative this can be.